Happy Valentines Day

I don’t know if they exist in the modern day but newspapers - physical newspapers - used to have a section where people could write in if they’d seen a stranger they’d found attractive and wanted to go on a date with. Man they were creepy:

“I saw you on the bus going to Angel Station. You were wearing glasses…”

That doesn’t read like a love-letter - it reads like evidence in a court.

“You were on the No. 15 bus going to Aldgate. I was the guy sniffing your hair…”

And they’d always finish with the word, “Drink?” As if that will overcome the inherently creepy message that preceded it.

“I’ve made you a doll out of toenails and string. Drink?”

But who am I to speak? I’m no relationship guru. There have been times in my life where I’d be a good break up guru. I could tell a person how to sit around in their pants with the curtains drawn eating cold pizza. But no one pays for that service.

I once missed tactility after a break up so much I pretended I found a lump on my balls just so I could go to the doctor and be touched by another person. That’s not true. But break ups are hard.

If you’re single this Valentines Day just try to have a better personality and be more good looking.

If you’re in a relationship: same. Don’t hurt to keep up the effort.

If you’re happy on your own, good for you.

Anyway, that’s that.

Happy Valentines day: this most sacred day of slaughtering roses, cutting down trees for cards, and honouring the chocolate Gods of Diabetes.