Hi. I'm an Oscar nominated writer. I wrote Borat 2 and Who Is America. I'm currently writing comedy feature films and scripted stuff for TV. But yet still I must write more. If you follow my writing on Jews, Israel and antisemitism on instagram or twitter (both @leekern13) you'll probably have noticed I'm pretty prolific. I'm going to start migrating the stuff I'd post there, here onto substack. It'll allow me to present ideas to you in a more thoughtful and crafted manner - and to curate stuff in a more coherent way - where it's not lost to the bottomless pit of a social media timeline.
What are you gonna get with this substack? Words? Thoughts? Opinions? Sure. You'll get all of that. But you're going to get more. Something special. I'm going to make all of your dreams come true. That's right. I'm going to make all your dreams come true. All of them. Not just one or two. Every single dream you have ever had or ever will have - I will make come true. That is guaranteed.
Maybe I won't, you think?
Ok - let's say for arguments sake I don't. But what if I do? Have you considered that? What if I make all your dreams come true?
For a small monthly subscription of just $7, (about 5 quid), it's worth a gamble, don't you think?
We're talking about ALL your dreams. Don't you think they're worth it? I do. That's why I'm committed to making all of your dreams come true. (For a small monthly subscription of $7 - about 5 quid - or one ostentatious cup of coffee a month).
Look I'm not promising it'll happen. Your life will probably still be a schlep. But I'm gonna give it a bloody good go to make your dreams come true. All I wanna do is live in world where EVERYONE’S dreams come true - even when they come into direct conflict with each other and cannot plausibly coexist. Is that so unreasonable?
And if I don't make your dreams come true within ONE YEAR of your subscription I’m happy for you to confront me and say, "Lee, why haven't all of my dreams come true?" And I better have a bloody good answer. Cos if I don't I'll be giving myself a stern talking to, I can promise you that.
But it won’t come to that. So confident am I that I’ll make all of your dreams come true, (even when they’re utterly ridiculous and detrimental to the rest of humankind), that I’m going to make all of your dreams come true AND give you two extra dreams for free! And it’s all going to happen inside THREE months!
I don't care what anyone says - that is an amazing offer - and you know it too. Did you imagine this would be happening to you today when you logged onto the internet? Well it is. This is actually happening. Clicking on the link of a man who once ran out of toilet paper and had to call for help - at a job interview - was the greatest decision you’ve ever made in your life.
So who am I?
As I said, I'm a comedy writer whose work you've probably seen without knowing I'm behind it because I'm the world's second most humble man. Note how I said second and not first - as that would have made me arrogant. That isn't me. As the most down to earth man in the world (three years in a row and pretty much a shoo in to win this year too) I would never do that.
Some of you may be familiar with me because of the work I do fighting antisemitism and against the lies and slander from moronic haters who seek to demonise and destroy the world's only Jewish state - the land to which Jewish origins are indigenous and the epicentre of our Peoplehood: Israel.
It's been a bit of a slog to be honest and takes it's toll - but I'm not gonna stop - because fuck 'em. I'm not living in a world where people think they can get a free slap of the Jews. I recently took part in a pioneering legal case in which I exposed the identity of an anonymous Jeremy Corbyn fanatic who had been racially harassing me for four years - glorifying terrorist organisations and calling for another Holocaust. Nicholas Nelson of Cambridgeshire now has a criminal record.
Has speaking out so vociferously harmed my career? Who cares. I'm not putting dick jokes before the safety of my People. I have to live with myself - not strangers. Why aren't celebrity Jews or other Jews in my industry speaking out against this hate? I'll tell you in a future subscription post.
But there's more to me than fighting antisemitism. So here's a little more about myself to whet your appetite:
I love wood pigeons. I love sausages. I love watching sunlight migrate across the floor over the course of an afternoon. I like talking about food. I like talking about Jews. I like talking about Israel. I like films. I like your mum and dad - they're great people. I like your grandparents. I love plants. I love football, boxing and going for walks. I love your uncles. I hate your aunt. What's her problem? I love eggs. I love the love that exists between people and the love that people have for existence itself. I like strange people that walk around town centres. I love Walt Whitman. I like cheesecake. I like Allen Ginsberg, Wordsworth, Blake and Geoffrey Chaucer. I like Leonard Cohen, David Berman and Black Flag. I like sitting, sleeping, daydreaming, taking ridiculously long baths - but above all - I like making all your dreams come true.
For those of you interested in making it in the creative arts there’s gonna be useful stuff here too. I managed to make it to the Oscars without an agent or manager. I’m not saying I’m the big I am. But that’s not nothing? I must have picked up some skills, tricks and attitudes that have helped along the way and which can help others. So if you or anyone you know is interested in making it in the arts and appreciates a no bullshit, warts and all break down of the muck you’ve gotta crawl through - and where you can find your euphorias that make it worthwile - subscribe. I think you can also give friends or family gift subscriptions. This is new to me. But here’s a button that says “Give a gift subscription” so I assume that’s what it does:
Holy Lord - I just found a new button! In this one you can donate a subscription to a stranger as some kind of good deed or something! Helping someone out who ain’t too flush with cash. Visualise yourself after doing that good deed. Feels amazing doesn’t it? You could have that feeling for real:
Anyway - I hope that YOU are down for subscribing to this new home for my work and that you'll encourage your friends, family and followers on social media to do so too.
I've been shadow-banned by Twitter and Instagram because of my Israel-empathetic voice and my stance against antisemitism - so I appreciate all the help you can give.
Thanks for being the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I’ll never let you down.
Let's do this.
G-d bless.
Your friend,
Lee.
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If life has broken you and you no longer dream anymore, you can still subscribe. If you do dare to dream again in the future - let me know and I'll make those dreams come true.
Cheers.
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Oh yeah - anyone who subscribes as a Founding Member will get sent a signed original piece of art work that you’ll be able to choose.
Ok.
Speak soon.
I love you.
It's been two days and you still haven't asked me to marry you. That was my very last dream in life. My penultimate dream was to spend this Sunday morning in bed eating white chocolate with hazelnuts and that dream came true. So now I have nothing to live for.