As a writer my life overlaps with other people who have nothing to do in my town. As a result I’ve become friends and acquaintances with people who have schizophrenia and other extreme mental health conditions. They, like me, most commonly haunt local coffee shops. Here are a couple of short encounters, an illustration and a brief interview with one of these people…
THE STRUGGLER
There's a dude clearly from “the mental health scene” who's often in my coffee shop. He always catches my eye cos he always seems to be suffering in his own head. He just sits there with a giant empty cup of tea utterly ill at ease with his own thoughts. I never see him with the other mental health scenesters. He’s always on his own. Just sitting there and never finding a moment where he can relax and be away from whatever is troubling him. I think I want to catch his eye and have them say hello to his. I’d like to cut straight to the chase and ask him if he’s alright. But obviously that is massively presumptuous and could be an imposition. I’m sitting at opposite ends of the room from him but tomorrow if he is here I am going to engineer an hello…
TWO PAGES OF A4
One of my mate’s acquaintances saw me at a coffee shop the other day. I think he’s got something different to my friend but is part of the schizoid family.
He thrust into my hand two sheets of A4, said it was his autobiography and asked me to read it. In the short two pages there was some pretty personal stuff - not at a place I’d personally say had literary merit yet - serving more as some kind of therapy. But then the last line hit me and it has stuck with me and I would happily write a novel that had this at it's opening line or as the final bell ring of the first chapter. It read simply:
For fifty six years I had no personality, this is my story...
I really like that line. I think it's up there with "Call me Ishmael..."
EXTRACT OF AN INTERVIEW WITH A SIXTY YEAR OLD MAN WITH SCHIZOID AFFECTIVE DISORDER
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR JOY?
I don’t know. I like my female friends but they just seem to boss me around. [Looking at my notepad] Your writing is very small.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
I don’t know if I do get any happiness. I enjoy maybe the gym. But I have to be careful now because of the hernia.
WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?
I have two nephews and they make me laugh. One is four. The other is eight or nine. They’re funny little boys.
They’re full of fun. They brought in two balloons from a birthday party to my flat. We were playing with balloons. It got a bit rough. I was playing too and kicking the balloon. Fun rough. I was laughing. I could see the funny side of things.
A***** thinks medication has taken away my sense of humour. I don’t know. It’s like a chemical straitjacket. It’s why some people don’t like medication.
We stopped with the balloons cos we got tired. I still have one in my living room. The air is coming out of it. It’s nice to think of them playing in the living room. It makes me laugh.
I liked playing with conkers as a kid. I lived in a block. Chesnut horse trees. I remember finding nice spherical conkers and putting them on strings.
I used to hide under a balcony. My parents couldn’t see me. I didn’t want to come in yet and stop playing. Eventually they’d guess where I was and they’d make me come in.
My parents were often arguing. More than the usual amount. I used to stand in the middle between them to try and stop them. To protect my mum. I got some of the blows from my dad. I used to run up and lock myself in the toilet. He’d chase me upstairs. There was a small lock on the toilet door. I’d hide in there. He’d try and get in then gave up. If he did catch me he’d hit me. I think he had a bad temper to begin with. Maybe because of the war. It affected him. He was a survivor.
My mum used to shout at him, “Why did you buy so much fruit?” This would lead to an argument.
WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR DAD?
He was confident. Working door to door. We went to Hampstead Pond. I had a remote controlled boat and sailed it with him. That’s a lovely memory.
HOW’S YOUR CURRENT MEDICATION?
I don’t know if my latest medication is any good. Pregabalin works for back pain and anxiety.
Procycidine is for side effects of anti-psychotics. Depixol is a fortnightly injection. It’s supposed to control my schizophrenia. I have something like it called Schizo Affective Disorder. I also take mood stabiliser - Depakode.
I’ve always been injected. I could get ill again. I start behaing badly and get in a strange mood. I have side effects: shaking hands in particular. General shakiness. Sometimes I forget to take the middle of the day pill to control the shakiness. It makes me like a wobbling jelly.
ARE THERE SIDE EFFECTS TO THE MEDICINES FOR THE SIDE EFFECTS?
It’s a chemical strait jacket. I can’t laugh or cry. I used to cry a lot before. Maybe it’s good in that way. I’m not 100% sure. I have mood stabilisers. My mood was up and down and lot. This puts me on an even keel I think.
Benzo Drithiamide is a water pill. It stops swelling. I think it helps me go to the toilet.
HOW CLEAR DOES YOUR HEAD FEEL?
I find it difficult to concentrate. I get the feeling sometimes I’m not really there.