IMPORTANT WARNING ABOUT THIS YEAR'S EDINBURGH FESTIVAL
Comedians have started sharing their posters for the Edinburgh festival. Pretty soon they’ll be begging you to buy tickets. After only one person turns up to their show three days in a row they’ll continue to beg but will make self-deprecating jokes that don’t make either you or them feel good about the fact that they’re begging and they have no advance sales for a show starting in two minutes. A week into the festival you’ll want to look away because it’s too tragic - no one wants to watch a person slowly drowning and tweeting about it, an arm holding a phone the last thing to go under.
But you won’t be able to look away.
The entire internet will be awash with comedians splashing around like passengers unable to find floating debris after the Titanic went down.
It’s going to be horrible hearing their screams whilst we’re on boats made of self-esteem, not needing the applause of strangers to stay afloat in life.
Occasionally a wave of pain will rock us all. That’s the pain of comedians seeing another comic who has devised a way of getting publicity. A video or stunt will go viral. A rescue helicopter of attention will arrive to pull them out the water. The sound of the chopper will slowly disappear, leaving the other comedians bobbing in darkness. Drowning.
I absolutely support my comedy peers - but here’s why you shouldn’t go to Edinburgh to watch any of their shows and should let them drown…