HOW POO CAN BRING WORLD PEACE
The most important article you'll read about poo this year
I’ve got five minutes so I’d quickly like to solve global conflict and bring about world peace.
A big problem we face is the trend towards identity politics: the act of forming political alliances based upon race, religion, sexuality, gender or some other group, rather than fighting for broad-based policies that affect everyone regardless of their identity.
It divides us into ever smaller groups without focusing on the big issues.
I think we need to focus more on the things we share in common rather than our differences.
And the way I see it – there’s only two things everyone on earth wants - everyone wants a bit of cash in their pocket and a decent toilet to take a crap in.
And that’s it.
Deep down that is all anyone wants: a bit of money and to be able to just take a crap for five minutes in peace without anyone hassling them.
We need to stop talking about the shit that divides and start talking about the crap that unites us.
Speaking personally, I love having a poo.
I’m not saying my life is empty and devoid of meaning but it’s definitely one of the best things I’ve got going on for me.
I don’t have much of a social life or money – so it’s something to do that doesn’t cost much.
And it’s a place I can go to get away from life’s hassles and to ponder the bigger questions.
In many ways, taking a crap is my church.
When I’m in there I’m often calling out Jesus’ name.
Praying to God for help.
Sometimes when I poo I think about all the people throughout history who’ve probably had a poo: Oliver Cromwell, William Caxton, Benjamin Disraeli, and former Tottenham Hotspur winger, Darren Anderton, winner of the League Cup in 1999 and who acquired 30 England caps.
Darren Anderton, Benjamin Disraeli and William Caxton have all done poos.
When we go to the bathroom we stand on the shoulders of giants.
The main thing I do in the toilet though, is read.
I don’t think I’m alone.
If an Englishman’s home is his castle then the toilet is his library.
None of us need to go to Oxford or Cambridge to get an education. We just need to take a shit.
Well I hope you’re sitting comfortably on your toilet cos I’m about to tell you something they don’t teach you at Cambridge.
The problem with this world is people take their thoughts, beliefs and reality so seriously that they’re prepared to die for it - yet at the same time they’re a creature that does a poo.
How can we take a creature like that seriously?
Moreover, how can it take itself seriously?
It could be the greatest thinker in any society, surrounded by others hanging on its every word. Then in the middle of conversation it stops and says, “Excuse me a moment.”
Then they walk out the room.
Then they go into another room and lock the door.
Then they pull their trousers down.
It gets worse.
This so-called “genius” then makes something come out of their bum into a bowl of water.
And it makes a plop sound.
That’s what this genius has decided to do with their time.
But that’s not enough for them.
They then make more things come out their bum, of varying sizes, which also make plop sounds.
Must be great to be a genius?
Then this so-called brain box gets some paper and rubs it on their bum.
Wow - wish I had what it takes to win a Nobel prize.
Then this brain of the century flushes away the thing that came out of their bum.
A thing came out of their bum - and then they just get rid of it.
Great work genius.
That was worth while.
Glad our tax dollars are being well spent.
And then the pinnacle of all this, is they’ll come back into the original room as if what they’ve done is perfectly normal.
I’m not buying it.
That is absurd.
I think if people meditate on how ridiculous and humbling it is to poo we could make a better world - but to date my opinions on poo are not on a single school curriculum and I’m not allowed to go within 50 metres of the department of education’s office anymore.
As a result we live in a fractured world of people dividing themselves into ever smaller groups and conflict everywhere.
But I want to believe there’s hope.
And it is there if you look.
Because inside every curse is a blessing.
The jewels of this world are hidden in dark places.
And it was in such a dark place that I found hope.
A few years back I was in London and I was getting mugged.
I got jumped from behind and they had me on the floor and they were kicking and punching me.
I was bleeding and, to be honest, having a terrible time.
But just before I passed out I looked up and I suddenly saw the most amazing, beautiful thing.